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I was looking up ‘simple make up’ tutorials for black skin on the internet last week. My birthday is less than two weeks away that’s why I was (am) on this hunt for fabulosity, and yes, money and gifts are welcome. Thank you very much. Most of the videos I came across made ‘simple’ look very complicated. I am extremely basic when it comes to make up. Coincidentally, one of the very many suggested videos was Joy Kendi’s. I decided to look it up. She has a number of vlogs on fashion and makeup which are appealing.  I watched a number of her tutorial videos, which are awesome by the way, and then I landed on one of her Q and A vlogs. The title was in the lines of “My worst kiss.”I am not so sure. It was hilarious how she described this particular ordeal which flashed me back to some of the days (way back) when I was also still very new to playing house with my mouth.

Don’t quote me wrong royals. I do not consider myself the best kisser but I am certainly not bad at it. Ask Sean Paul. Majority of you reading this have kissed before (drop the act). There are those you loved and then there are those that automatically grossed you out. I feel you.  We have been through this and survived. Nobody is born a perfect kisser. We do not have schools offering that as a course either.  It’s an act you find yourself engage in when you are genuinely into someone. I like to think that.  The problem however comes in when it is done the wrong way. Yes, there are bad kissers.  Sadly, they are not aliens. They are humans, humans in Kenya.  They are the type to make you row that boat far away from their lives which you pictured yourselves in together forever until their kissing game down cast you to the point of breaking down.  If you are reading this article and happen to have virgin lips, you came to the right place. I will tell you what to watch out for. For those of us who’ve kissed frogs, the much you can do is relate.

There is the ‘Washing Machine.’ We have all come across this kisser who will wipe your face clean with spit. My best friend calls it the wash and re-set kisser because of all the spit that comes

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with the kiss. Makes me wonder, where does all that saliva come from? Not even my dog had that much saliva.  Another flaw is how this kisser uses too much tongue that sometimes almost gets to your throat, almost literally down your throat. They will have you frozen on the spot with your eyes wide open wondering what you got yourself into. They enjoy it and are the type to gloat about their ‘expertise’. What’s worse is that you cannot wipe half your face when they are done because they will stop to confirm if you enjoyed the hideous encounter and wiping half of your face might seem rude. You then walk around with your face smelling like spit.

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The next kisser makes me want to pop a mint. This once happened to me. Anybody with constant bad breath is definitely a bad kisser. No argument about this. It doesn’t matter if their tongues do yoga or if they have lips that are something close to Angelina Jolie’s. Bad breath is bad breath!  It has always been a deal breaker for everyone. This kisser will have you do the opposite with your eyes compared to the washing machine. You will shut your eyes tight and hold your breath to the point of making you feel like you might pass out. At the end of it all, you are left paranoid that you might have picked their awful oral odor and start soaking your whole mouth in antiseptic and bleach.

Ever accidentally bitten your tongue when eating or chewing gum? That hurt like hell, right? Royals with virgin lips, there are biters. This type of kisser leaves your lips sore if not bleeding. Lips have feelings too you know.  I doubt if they know this. You want something to chew on, go get a packet of gum.

Finally, there’s the kisser with dry, chirped and cracked lips.   It’s uncomfortable and disturbing especially if you have to endure the metallic taste of skin when it peels off.  Chances are that you will end up having bits and pieces from their chirped lips lingering on your tongue. The tongue suffers a great deal.

The above are the main types of bad kissers I have encountered at some point in my life. I know there’s more. Don’t be shy. Share some of your experiences you have had and have a good laugh.